Building meaningful friendships
Why consistency is key to maintaining relationships
Predictable behaviour and good communication leads to longer, more successful relationships.
Ever had the feeling that someone let you down? Or did something totally unexpected that changed your perspective on who they were as a person? Well, you’re definitely not alone. This has probably happened to all of us at some point, but if you’re feeling this way it could be a signal your friendship is lacking consistency.
What is consistency?
Consistency in the context of friendships doesn’t just mean ‘regular’ catch ups (although that is important). Rather, it extends to a whole host of behaviors and actions that layer up to establishing a trusting and reciprocal friendship. As Brown & Brown put it in 2009, ‘trust underpins human social relationships, binding people in the anticipation of benevolent, reciprocal interaction, which forms the basis for friendship’. While we don’t need to be anywhere near as clinical in our definition, it’s safe to assume that acting in a consistent way is crucial to establishing trust, which is in turn crucial to establishing friendships. Without consistency, there can be no trust. Without trust, there can be no friendship.
What’s wrong with a little inconsistency?
The reason for this is fundamental human behaviour, with research suggesting that unpredictable behaviour from someone else increases their risk profile, and reduces likelihood of developing reciprocal relationships.
The good news is, it shouldn’t be too hard to demonstrate at least a modicum of consistency, with scientists recently discovering that truly spontaneous individuals are pretty much non-existent, with up to 93% of human behaviour being utterly predictable. So don’t sweat this one too much; you’re probably not being as inconsistent as you think you are!
How to be consistent
The key to being consistent is good communication. As we’re unlikely to change our behaviours and opinions overnight, it’s important to voice those beliefs and actions early and often, so others can predict how you will respond in other situations. So pronounced are communication skills, that they were found to be the one of the most predictive elements in overall relationship satisfaction.
What’s the benefit of consistency?
Beyond the well documented health benefits of friendships that include boosting your immune system, increasing your life span and improving your levels of happiness, consistency is important because it helps build momentum in relationships, particularly in the early stages of their development. A great way to build consistency is to speak regularly and express concerns and thoughts and opinions on a wide range of topics that are important to you (something Elephants just happens to help facilitate) — because not only will this be beneficial to your friend in helping them to establish you as someone who is ‘consistent’, but you might even have fun while doing it?
Elephants is a private place where small groups of close friends can set and share goals, chat freely and celebrate achievements.
